It has taken me a few days to write this, but I feel that I want to express this in a format so t
that it can be helpful or a reminder to pay attention to your gut and most importantly your child. ALWAYS be their advocate. This will be a very long post.
School started this past Monday for Foster. By Wednesday we have withdrawn him from school, and he will be homeschooled for the year or even yet, for the foreseeable future.
I have a long background in early childhood education that I am extremely proud of, and sometimes very mad at myself that I left behind. I always tried to run my classroom as organically as possible, focus on my kiddos as individuals with individual needs, and make learning as natural and intuitive as possible within the confines of having standards that were required of me to meet. I always encouraged critical thinking in the forefront and feel that there are no such things as big questions for children, there are always ways to meet them where they are and help them understand their feelings and the world around them. I always wanted this for my children as well. I had plans to go to a Grad School/Doctorate program for Philosophy for Children with a focus on Pedagogy. I was on my way, and then I decided to take a year, had some traumatic life experiences, and had a wild and self-destructive 2 years until I met my husband, whom I give a lot of credit for being patient and healing a lot of damage that was done.
Foster had a very difficult year last year, one that left me without much trust and a lot of anxiety. Shaun and I by no means recuse Foster of behaviors... we completely understand several things: he was an only child (grandchild, child, AND cousin) for 5 years, we are very loose sometimes when it comes to structuring at home some days and he spent 2 of his very formative years unallowed to socialize and experience the world due to quarantine.
Once Shaun and I years ago decided we were going to start a family I started researching our local school options, hoping I could find a Montessori education or some form of it, and low and behold there was a promised small charter school in our town. We were thrilled.
We worked very hard to pay attention to the developments of the school over years and when it finally came time for 4k we applied to the school lottery. A few days before the lottery, the school had lost funding and would require tuition for the year. Heartbroken, our family stepped up and for the entire year helped us pay almost 4,000 dollars for this program that would guarantee Foster a spot in their school moving forward and help give any future sibling a priority spot. This tuition is also in addition to my tax dollars already being funneled into the school system as Charter schools are subsidized by State funding. They did this because of how passionate we were about the school's promised dynamic. Something that was supposedly different than putting your child through the State-run meat grinder, something that purported to be a huge center of advocacy for children as individuals... except once inside the school we realized that the actual meaning of this was radically different.
Foster had a hard time adjusting last year and the school's response briefly was this: augmented schedules without a formal IEP format or representation where he left at 11:30 every day, essentially placing him on a half-day schedule (and we still paid FULL tuition). He also was identified as having trouble acclimating to large group scenarios, to which their response was to allow Foster to pick one friend at large group time, exit the classroom with them and play a game in the office. I also towards the end of the year ended up staying 2 hours a day every morning to help assist FOster with "transitions" as he was having trouble doing so and the teachers seemingly could not handle helping him acclimate to routine. He ended up getting a one-on-one aide that was supposed to assist, she was never in the room at a consistent time during the day and under her watch, I found out that several times my son was allowed to watch YouTube or even play Roblox on a High School students phone during school hours. Foster was constantly removed from the room for issues but staff could never articulate the context of situations that spurred on the behaviors when asked at the end of the day, sometimes we had to ask 4 people to get the full picture of what was happening with our child.
At mid-way, through the year I was constantly asking the school to utilize their full-time employed OT (occupational therapist) to asses Foster as I felt he possibly has Hypo-Sensitivity Processing Disorder (he may not but he hits a lot of the boxes)... I printed out materials for the school, scholarly articles articulating support on my feelings, and requested an IEP, assessment, AND a sensory diet so my son could be given the tools he was lacking to function on a day-to-day basis in his life. This was only ever met with "Speak with your pediatrician, and we will help how they ask us to." Did I want an IEP? Not really, that would involve another layer of the state on my son's education BUT I needed a way to hold their feet to the coals so when they deviated from these augmented days, SOMEONE was held accountable (even if it reflected on something not being completed right at home. This was met with resistance and fell on deaf ears. Even if I was wrong, I was trying to help Foster, not reward his negative behaviors, and document such things into a permanent file that would now follow him for his life.
I then reached my ultimate point of frustration in May and formally requested twice a copy of the observation notes on my son... I did so for my knowledge (and it IS your legal right as a parent, and if anyone ever refuses there are several state laws I can direct you to that can come in handy when you do not receive the files promptly) but also to share with his pediatrician over the summer and possibly get him the help the school would not provide me (emotional processing and fine motor help that he DESPERATELY NEEDS). This way we could start Kindergarten fresh and with a plan in place. We did not receive these documents until this past Tuesday night, almost 3 months after I had formally requested them. Once, opened I realized they had stopped taking any notes in early April, leaving nothing for the last month and a half of school, and it was a collection of 5 sheets of NEGATIVE behavior only, never any achievements or progress.
Fast forward to this year. Back to school night, we discover that in a room of 20 kids, Foster was sitting at a table of only 4 children with the teacher in the center and the other 16 or so were at a large group table together. While we acknowledge that it would help Foster have direct guidance over activities, we already knew that this teacher (BRAND NEW TO THIS SCHOOL) was told about Foster and already had preconceived notions about him. We let this go and tried to get SO AMPED for the first day of school... until we had several family members clue us in on the amount of sadness and anxiety my 5-year-old had expressed about going back to school. He expressed that no one likes him, sees him as "the bad guy" (teachers and students), and told them he was afraid to return to school because he did not have any friends. A 5-year-old should NOT have to cry and process these feelings to this degree... I understand being anxious and nervous but his sadness was palpable and brought several of our family members to tears... I then knew Foster was precievedperceived as different because he was always being removed and separated.
Fast forward to day 2 of school. An hour into the day his new teacher, who was very short with me during morning drop off had sent us a behavioral email and let us know she would be calling us later as Foster had to have a "restorative conversation" that would be formally placed into his file. She reminded me that we were only on day 2 and all learning... this school CONSTANTLY asks for GRACE from the parents, so where was the grace in understanding that my son was on day 2 of school and adjusting, also not with the tools he needed to survive, a lot of which I blame on their 4k program. She had also articulated to me on the phone that Foster is very attention-seeking (yes I know this) and that in the mornings he wanted to talk about dinosaurs and as of now she does not have the time to do so, so they would be sending in a guidance counselor to speak with him for 5 to 10 minutes every morning about whatever he chose while she got the other students used to the morning routine and then she could devote time to Foster. So I tried to express why this made me nervous as it seemed we were repeating habits that were not successful last year and she seemed so disinterested and then continued her scripted conversation about restorative treatment and how it affects HER teaching and the class when Foster has a moment. I accept and understand this, but the solution is removing my son from routine AGAIN while we focus on everyone else adjusting... this is not providing my son with helping him learn how to acclimate to his classroom environment. I was not impressed and every alarm in my body went off that this was not right for Foster.
So, after a long conversation with my husband, we researched what we needed to do legally and sent an e-mail to the school informing them that Foster would no longer be a student. We went in the next day, and not one administrator or teacher even asked what was going on or why this was happening, which then also solidified our decision. We were in fact either a problem they were gladly getting rid of or they just were happy to funnel another person from the wait list into their community.
It was the most punk rock thing I have ever done in my life. I am looking forward to being able to plan this year with my family ways that we can make learning fun and achievable for Foster. Going to local swamps and meeting with other kids, museums activities, and just learning through things we do every day in life. No longer will my son have to cry so hard he is shaking at night about having to go sit in a classroom for 8 to 9 hours a day and be "compliant" (his new teacher had labeled him "non-compliant" in documentation 3 times on day 2 - behavior according to their code of conduct that after several of these documented conversations would leave to silent lunch (isolation) and even ISS and OSS... he is five.
I think Shaun and I are going to try to document our journey with figuring out homeschooling. I am looking forward to helping my son decompress and relearn how to be excited about learning and people again. We have a lot of trust to build back but we are going to do it as a family and I am so incredibly excited, nervous, and honored to be able to do so for my little people.